Panda's Journal

As I write this, it's been like, 5 months since I last posted something in here, and even longer since I posted something visible to everyone. I guess a lot of my feelings tend to be pretty personal that I put in here, so almost everything goes in a friends-only entry... and who knows, maybe by the end of this one I'll feel like this one should be too.

Where to start... well, the biggest thing that's happened to me recently (or rather, I took the initiative in making happen) was that I moved to Seattle a little over a week ago. Talk about a total shock to all of my senses.... nothing that I've ever experienced was enough to prepare me for this place. There's just so much of everything going on that it has honestly blown parts of my mind that I'm not sure are ever going to come back to me. >_>

For those not in the know, the main reason why I moved here was because I knew that I needed to leave eastern Oregon and college and all that, but the only place in the world that I know even one person is here in Seattle. And that's exactly how many people I knew moving here -- one. Luckily, the person I know happens to be like, my best friend of all time, so that's a bit of a comfort. The only kinda sucky part of that deal is that he's really, really busy all the time so he can't exactly be like, that person that I hang out with all the time. Too bad since he's so much fun to hang out with.

Anyway, being up here has really been..... well, actually, not a whole lot of fun so far. It's really put into sharp focus how lonely I can get when I don't really know enough people to spend my days with, so I've been hitting the online furry personals and stuff pretty hard looking for people to hang out with and stuff... There's *got* to be people around here who like the same kinds of things that I do and that wouldn't mind hanging around someone for a while. And, y'know, maybe actually be the kind of person who is actually as interested in me as I am in them.

Whiiiiiiich brings me to my main reason why I started thinking about writing in this thing again... Just today I hung out with a bunch of guys who were, I swear, pretty cool to be around. We went and had um..... bubbling tea or something like that, and that was tasty and yum. The guy I had initially talked to and knew the most about actually brought one of his roommates (also a fur) along for the ride and he certainly was a character. I don't believe I know anyone who talks in their falsetto voice as much as this guy did. ^_^

Anyway, we go and have this weird bubbling tea thing, and while we're in that place, he breaks out this board game which I can't remember the name of, which was basically like a practical version of Sim City 2000 or something. ^^ I was surprised because I normally don't like board games very much as I prefer video games as a source of enjoyment like that, but this one turned out to be pretty fun overall. We played for a few hours, packed up our stuff, and headed on back to his place.

It was starting to get kinda dark when we got to his place, but he told me that if I didn't mind sleeping over at someone else's apartment, it would be perfectly alright with him if I did, so I wasn't worried about needing to navigate dark and scary streets in the middle of the night in an unfamiliar neighborhood. Anyway, we get up to his room and it's..... it's honestly pretty hard to describe how I felt at this moment because it just seemed like exactly the kind of place I'd always want to live in....

...which, I'm sure, is hardly how most people I know would describe it because it wasn't like, huge, or excessively clean, or anything like that, but it had..... character. The walls had cool furry artwork all over them and there were like, cool tiger cloths hung about here and there and they were using like, furry art magnets ont he fridge (not all of them exactly PG or anything) and there were framed drawings elsewhere and plushies all over the place and.... it was just great to look at. It looked a lot like the people who live there wanted to be there and they had set things up so that they could be comfortable and also reminded about who they are... because I was certainly reminded about who I was, being in there.

Perhaps I underestimated this part of myself before, and how important it was, but... I believe that the furry side of myself is equally as important and also equally as influential in how I live and see things as things like my sexuality and intelligence are. So seeing all of this just reminded me of how much I love the culture and appreciation of these things and all the little cute things that people in the fandom tend to do and say and.... man. It was really neat...

There were five people living there, and up until today, I've never heard people say things like "my paws" or talking about themselves as being an animal or anything like that in anything resembling a casual tone of voice, but there it was, and all over the place. The people who lived there just seemed so comfortable and at-ease with all that that it just immediately set me at ease with everything... I could talk about someone like Doug Winger or Dark Natasha and they'd immediately know what I was talking about, or I could mention something about Zeta Creations without getting blank stares and just...... yeah. All that..... and one of them showed me their tail that they were making and this was not viewed as something weird. It's just everything that I've always wanted to experience.

So, I'd say things were going rather nicely for an evening that I'd probably otherwise be spending just sitting around in my room doing more work and such... and then we come to that lovely moment where I'm alone in the room of the guy that I know the best, and we're talking, and he's showing me things, and it's just feeling like a nice way of wrapping up the evening. He puts on an anime that I've never seen or even heard of and it's like, 20 episodes in so of course I can't have any idea what's going on, and we're both watching it in silence.

He's in one of those swivel chairs and I'm sitting next to him on a stool. I kinda... lean in a bit, perhaps a bit closer to him in order to kinda say that I wouldn't mind maybe a bit of.... I dunno, something. No, not sex or anything. I'm not interested in screwing someone that I've only known for a day. But I dunno, maybe some err.... I dunno, cuddling or something? Beats me, anyway, I wanted to let him decide. =P

So anyway, he's kinda swinging back and forth in his chair, and he eventually gets to the point where he's bumped into me and he just kinda stops there. So I'm thinking "Okay, I'll take that as a yes" so I kinda nudge him back a bit, letting him know that I think it's cool, and we kinda keep drifting closer as the anime goes on. I also notice out of the corner of my eye, since I'm sitting further back, that he's eyeballing me every now and then, so I'm kinda thinking "Yeah, I'm here, and yes, I enjoy closeness" and well..... that kinda goes on for the entire length of the anime. The show ends, he tells me that he *really* has to get to sleep since he's just not gotten enough recently for various reasons, and I'm totally cool with that, and so I say g'night and head out into the living room and hopefully talk with someone else who's still up for a while and maybe once they go to bed, like, K/O on the couch for the night.

So, I get out there, and the guy who came with me to the bubbling tea place is playing something on their PS2, so I go and sit next to them and watch for a bit, mostly trying to figure out what game it is he's playing. After a minute or two, though, the guy I had come there to see comes out and says, "Hey... I think it'd be good if you found your way back home tomorrow before I get back from work because I've got some people coming over tomorrow night." He then goes off and talks to one of his other roommates about.... well, I don't know, because I was so.... affected by what he said just then that I was just stunned.

I don't even have any idea if I have any right or reason to feel as hurt as I did, but..... it was like he was telling me, "Hey, I didn't mind hanging out with you today since I called in sick to work (which he did) and had a lot of hours to kill, but now that my *real* friends are coming over, I don't need you here anymore." It just like, slapped me in the face like a brick. I just felt so.... so, like,that he didn't even really care that we had just spent the day together and that as long as he didn't see me tomorrow, he'd be happy.

I started thinking, "Geez, can't I be a part of what you're doing?" But then I thought, "Well, it's not like we've known eachother for a long time and that I have any right to impose myself on things that he's already got planned." But..... the part that just makes it seem so harsh is that we were having a nice sort of... unspoken thing going on in his room, and the next thing I know, it's like that whole thing meant absolutely nothing and that he wasn't interested at all and that I really should just get out of the way of the other people that he actually cares about.

I try to remind myself that there probably wasn't any harsh feelings intended or any malice or anything like that, but... it sure felt that way. I don't think he was trying to hurt my feelings or tell me that other people are more important than me, but I still got hurt and I still got the strong impression that other people most definitely were more important than me to him. Up until then, even we'd had some communication problems thus far and all that, I was still thinking that if he's interested in hanging out more, then I'd love to do that. And I think that I was getting the message that he was interested in being with me more, but then, wham! Maybe not.

I just don't want to be unfair or mean or anything to him if it isn't due since I'm thinking I'm probably just being way too sensitive, but.... it just seems like, in an area like that, he's probably inviting over more furs and that I think it would have been a lot of fun for me to meet more people and kind of get a community going on where I live and stuff... If I were him and I had "the new guy" in my apartment like that, I totally would have invited him along, even if it looked like there was going to be a zillion people there because I hate leaving people out of things...

...just like how I hate being left out..

...which is what has been happening to me a lot lately. Like, last weekend, I went to Bumbershoot 2005 with my friend and we had a pretty good time (though I only knew one person that we saw perform and she did some really awkward material, in my opinion) and when it was over, he calls one of his friends and they're like "Hey! Why don't we get some drinks or something? Bring your friend, it'll be fun!" And then we hit the problem. He tells them that I'm not 21 and suddenly I'm wiped off the map. It was like, 10:30 PM or something at that point and I was totally awake and ready to go and have a good time like that, but no, I'm not old enough so I have to go home and be left out of something that I'm pretty sure I'd enjoy while he gets to do it.
And it's like, no one's fault or anything..... what am I supposed to do, blame my mother for not getting pregnant a year sooner? He even tells me that he's not really even interested in going since he's kinda tired, and I understand what he's doing.... he's honestly the nicest person I know and he knows how much I hate to be left out, but there's just nothing he can do about it.

Somewhere in my mind, I start to think that if I was 21 and I had underage friends that I liked being with, I'd try to find a way to actually please all parties involved.... that is, have some place that we could all go at that time of night where everyone would be able to do what they want. I dunno, am I crazy to think that there's a good, fun bar to be at where they do an armband thing and just not sell alcohol to people wearing the underage color? There was a place like that in La Grande, there has to be a place like that in Seattle.

But see, I also think... I mean, am I really worth all this trouble? Do I have any right to ask my best friend to go out of his way to find something to do with everyone else that he can also do with me instead of just leaving me at home? I don't know, but I'd like to think that if our roles were reversed, then I'd act differently... I just know how much it really, really hurts me to be put on the side like this, on purpose or not...

I feel like I've been making a really good effort to meet people and try to, y'know, make it clear that I want friends and I want people to do things with *a lot* but I keep running into people who already have enough friends or have enough things to do that they don't need me anywhere as much as I do them. I know I've written about this before, but it just keeps coming back again and again and again. And it still hurts me and I'm still totally clueless as to what I should do about it...

So, my next thing that I'm looking forward to is Conifur, which I had thought already come and gone before I got up to Seattle, but since it is in fact happening towards the end of October, that means I'll be able to go. In fact, I've already reserved my room (which holds four and I currently only have myself staying in it) and I've paid for my 3-day registration, so... yeah. That reminds me -- if anyone needs a room for Conifur, I most definitely am interested in sharing the space. I think I should send that out to a few mailing lists I'm a part of... hmm... >_>

Aaaaanyway, it kinda sucks that it's so far off from now since I want to get like..... community and togetherness and all that kind of thing really soon, but I dunno.... I'm hoping that I'll be able to find something else soon.

There's supposed to be a fair amount of us living around here, so I just have to find them...

So, yeah, anyway...... I think that's all my fingers can stand tonight, so..... hopefully I'll be able to find what I'm looking for soon. God knows I've been looking for long enough in my life for a few simple things...

G'night.

Heya, I just finished my Intro to Film project here at EOU. I decided to do a music video, and the song is "Late Goodbye" by Poets of the Fall. Some of you may know the song as the ending theme to Max Payne 2. For those that don't, Max Payne 2 is a computer game that's done as a film noir graphic novel. So the song is kinda dark and brooding, and well..... yeah.

I spent days editing this sucker, and now it's all ready for public viewing. ^_^ Anyhoo, the link is here:
http://www3.eou.edu/~johnsobt/Late_Goodbye.avi

It requires the DivX decoder, just so ya know.

If anyone wants to let me know what they think, please do. ^^ But be gentle, it's my first directorial effort. ;)

I was just reminded of a time when my mum almost got a traffic ticket because of me.

In Fall term, I decided to take a singing class. I wanted to take this class because there was a time in my life when I could sing really, really well. I could hit the right notes without hearing them first and that kind of thing. But then I went about a year without singing... not even in my free time or anything. I just never felt the need, but then when I started to again, I realized that my voice at atrophied or something.

Anyway, I just wanted to learn how to sing again, so I took this class. I learned lots of good stuff, and I was lucky that it was the professor's first term teaching anything so she decided after we all got A's easily that she would make it harder next term. ^_^ But anyway, the final in the class ended up being a semi-official recital. We were told to dress nice and invite people to come. So naturally, I invited mum.

I just remembered that I think I've talked about this before... Probably a long time ago. But this time it'll be shorter. ;)

So, when it was my turn to go, mum hadn't shown up. See, she was doing group at the women's shelter and she could only show up about halfway through the recital, but it was my turn to go before she got there. They asked me if I'd like to wait, but I was freaking out so bad I just said that she probably wouldn't show up and went. I think I forgot the second verse and seriously messed up some notes. It was embarassing. Another thing was that I was dressed in a tuxedo, which was the only "nice" thing that I had. Everything I have is either a t-shirt and jeans or a tuxedo. No middle ground there. Everyone else was in khakis and dress shirts, and I come in a tuxedo with a T-shirt and so it was like.... argh. Embarassing.

I ended up hiding behind the seats after my performance and trying to hold back the tears until I could leave. Mum showed up almost at the end of the performances and I told her that I had completely botched it up, and she consoled me. We walked in and watched the rest of the people go and the professor asked me if that was my mother and would I like to go again, and I said that I didn't really because I felt kinda crummy, but it turns out that someone else's mother had come late and missed her son's recital as well, so if we both went again it wouldn't be so weird.

So I went again and did a really good job. Just like the perfect movie ending thing. ^^ And here's where the ticket comes in.

Afterward, mum took my picture (and as soon as I figure out how to insert images into my LJ, I'll post it here) and left. She told me later that on the way home, she was getting all misty-eyed because her little one was up and singing and doing a good job and stuff. I personally didn't think it was REALLY good, but it was good enough, but... you know how mums are. Good enough = really good. Anyways, because she was so emotional and reaching for kleenix and stuff, she ran a stop sign, and there was a cop right there watching her. He pulled her over and they talked for a while. I can just imagine mum blubbering over her purse reaching for her driver's license and insurance info and how weird it must have been for the cop and stuff. She told him the story and he believed her and everything, so it all turned out okay. By the way, "blubbering" is how she described what she was doing in front of the cop to me, so I'm not being mean. ^^

So yeah... I was like "Geez, mom....." when she told me. So yeah. I guess you do know someone loves you when they run a stop sign for the first time in their life because of your singing.

I really feel the need to write something right now since my big computer is toasty. My video card died and I'm getting it replaced next week, but until that happens, no more fun'n'games. No more DooM 3. No more uh... anything that requires a system capable of rendering a polygon. ^^ My laptop (which I'm using right now) works just fine, it's just not a 3D powerhouse. It sure does produce some nice heat, though. I'm actually using it to warm my lap right now since it's really cold outside. It rained all morning, and it smells really good.

It's times like right now that I'd love to just lay on my bed and talk to someone for hours. *sighs* But considering that I'm totally alone right now (everyone else in my suite is gone and the only one who's returning won't get back until after next week) and that I don't really have anyone else besides my brother to do stuff with, well.....

I guess the chances of getting some nice conversation is pretty slim. *sighs* That's why I try to create things, but... argh. It's just so hard to do that sometimes.

I think I'll try to see if my brother's Xbox will work online with the college's network. *laughs* Yeah RIGHT. =P I can't play any PC games online, so unless the Xbox uses different protocols, then that won't work either. But I can try. I have uh.... Unreal II and Ghost Recon. Wowzers.

Well, I'll add more stuff later. I think the main reason why I want to make stuff is that typing on my laptop is really fun due to the really nice keyboard. It just feels good to type things on this thing. =)

You know... it's interesting how many times I've felt this way. "This way" being that.... there are so many people out there who could so easily be my friend if they weren't trying to be my enemy. That fascinates me, that I would almost be willing to like people who are so willing to dislike me. I guess I try to understand where they're coming from and see the good qualities. And, if the good qualities outweigh the bad, and if you discount the whole hating me thing, then they're people I could probably be really close to.

'course, with some people, I'm just as content to hate them as they are to hate me, but my point is when that's different. It's happened to me so many times in high school, for instance, where there are people that I find to be smart, funny, and very interesting, but they just hate me. Most of the time, I can't even figure out why. Maybe it's because I'm gay. Maybe it's because of the reputation I have that they've picked up from other people. Maybe it's a bad first impression that I made and they're clinging pretty tightly to that. Whatever the case may be, that's the way it is with some people. It's just an interesting paradox that I've recently come to think about.

My date rape story has certainly stirred up a lot of controversy. There's a lot of emotion around the word "rape". It's a heavy, heavy term. I know that, but I guess I still didn't give it its due and that's offensive to some people. I've had an interesting problem discussing the story with people who have only read my journal entry about it versus people who have only heard me talking to them in person about it.

The people who read the entry exclusively think that I've got buyer's remorse. The people that I talk to in person tell me that, yes it is a mild case of date rape, it's still date rape. I think I've finally figured out that reason.

I write this journal for me, first and foremost. It's not necessarily intended to make sense to anyone else, and as such, when I write something that means something in English, when I read it back, in my head it spins a different meaning. Hence, some communication problems have cropped up. See, I write what I feel and when I read it back, I read what I felt at the time. I don't seem to read what the actual words say.

For instance, I said something about how I thought that "Yeah, it'll be cool to lose my virginity before my brother Deighton" when I was at the barn. Two things -- #1 - That's a lie and I know it. I first had oral sex when I was ten or eleven years old. The virginity thing is long gone. What I felt when I wrote it was that I would lose my "adult" virginity, as in, have sex when I was legally considered to be able to make the decision. #2 - I did indeed think that at the barn, but only for about three seconds, and here's why -- My brain was desperately trying to find some way to make what was happening to me "okay". It failed, of course, but that doesn't stop it from trying.

Secondly, I did say "yeah" when he asked if it was okay if we would go and do our thing. I knew before I said that I should have just gotten out of the car, but I didn't feel as though I could. I felt obligated.. this guy had waited all this time. You know, maybe I could just give him what he wants and that'll be that. It won't matter. By the time we got to the barn, I was leaning heavily against doing anything at all, but I just couldn't say it. I was naive. Furthermore, my brain had long since kicked into "survival" mode. Regardless of whether or not it should have, it did. And when your brain is in survival mode, it is willing to make sacrifices in order to get away unharmed. And it sure did.

The thing that seems difficult for people to understand is that the honorable thing to do if you are an older person with experience is that you make sure the person you're with really wants to do what you're doing. When we were at the barn (and during most of the drive there) I couldn't even look at him. I was on autopilot, following him around to where it was impossible to see us from the road, and the next thing I knew I had no pants, I couldn't get an erection, and I couldn't even look down at the guy.

We as human beings tend to think rather highly of ourselves. I believed that in that sort of situation, I would be able to say "No, stop" and throw the guy off me, no problem. But remember, there are three self defense mechanisms we use when we're in a situation that is unfamiliar and scary. Those three are fight, flight, and freeze. I didn't fight him off, and I didn't run away, so I froze. My mind was blank. I just did what I felt I had to in order to get out of there. There were no options, there were no choices. I just had to do what I did to get out of there in one piece.

If you're truly able to empathize with people, you should be able to understand this. It doesn't matter whether or not I really COULD have fought the guy off or ran away. From my point of view, there were no choices. And that means that effectively, there literally ARE no choices. This seems to be very difficult for some people to get. Just because one person can fight someone off even in identical circumstances doesn't mean that everyone can. Everyone is different, everyone comes from a different place, everyone has their own mind. My mind said do what he wants and get it over with. And I did.

Then we come to whether or not it's rape. Yes, it was date rape. I felt unable to do anything but what he wanted, and so I did it. And he could have been able to see that if he were really interested in my feelings or in how comfortable I was. The fact is that he only wanted to bust a nut in another guy's face, and the one and only time he asked me anything wasn't an honest attempt at finding out my feelings. He was trying to get that part out of the way so that he could feel justified in taking advantage of someone who was FAR less experienced than he was and didn't know any better.

But he should have known better. If he were honorable, he would have at least asked one more time before we started if it was okay. That burden of responsibility lies entirely on his shoulders because he is the older one, he is the wiser one, and he is supposed to know and do better. Because he didn't makes him a rapist.

My responsibility comes from the fact that I should have told him in the beginning that I didn't want to do anything with him, but because I believed that I was going to die any day, it wouldn't matter, so why not? Again, it doesn't matter that I really had no idea when I was going to die. I felt as though I was seriously going to lose my life any moment, so whatever happened to me made no difference. I also thought that I was strong and perfect and had an iron shield ready to protect myself against any bad peoples. Obviously, I didn't know the truth, because I had never really been in that situation. Now I do.

I think that's what I woke up about afterwards.... I've described to people how one day after that event, I woke up and felt right as rain. Wonderful, like all the colors in the world had been invented for me to see, and that I was finally seeing them for the first time. I wanted to kiss everyone I'd ever met. It was breathtaking.

What I finally realized tonight is that I woke up from the fact that I don't have any fucking idea whatsoever what is in my future. No one does. And because I don't have to be destroyed by a future that may or may not come, and that I do not have to be chained to a past that is killing me, I am free. I woke up and realized that I was finally free. Somehow, it actually happened overnight. I swear! It's the damndest thing, really.

Finally... Mum reminded me of a phrase..... one of the important Chinese minds came up with it, but I can't remember who exactly right now. The phrase said something to the effect of, "The more you try to find truth by looking outwards, the further away from truth you get." What that means is that if I really want to know if I was date raped or not, I need only look inside and be honest with myself about what I felt and what it means.

I felt raped. I felt used. I felt completely incapable of changing what was happening to me. And those feelings are what makes it rape. The person who raped me is not the one who decides if it's rape or not. Cain doesn't either. No one but me. And in order for me to be able to say whether or not I was raped, I have to understand as best I can what being raped is, and what happened to me. I know what both are very clearly. I was coerced into performing sexual acts that I did not want to do. He doesn't even have to know he was doing it. He didn't care. He didn't bother to find out.

So, I don't know if this will help change any minds or do anything for anyone at all besides me, but... I just wanted to talk through this thing in my journal. Because, you know, I wrote this for me. I am sorry if my story is confusing and misleading, that was not my intention. I wrote it in the way that it made sense for me at the time, even if that is not the way it is interpreted when other people read it. I was going to put it into a private entry, but you know... Searching myself for the real truth about what I should do about that, I found that I should just leave it the way it is. And there it will stay until I feel it should be otherwise.

You can't change me. Only I can do that. I'm doing the best I can. If you want to discount my worthiness as a human being, you may do so. However, I am not going to live up to your view of what I am. I am worthwhile. I am smart, I am loved, and I am important.

And no matter how many times you try to convince me otherwise, you will not change the fact that I was raped.

I miss my friends...

I posted a hell of a lot more in my GamingForce journal even though no one reads it. >_>

My best friend of all time is coming to see me tomorrow. OR ACTUALLY, LATER TODAY! Yes! YESYESYEYSEYSEYSEYESYSEYSEYSEYESYEYESYSEYES. I only get to see him once a year, TWICE at most. You can understand my anticipation.

*twitches* Love. Lovelovelovelovelove. Gonna be really happy soon. Oh, yes. Can barely type. Must.....go.....explode..... =D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D=D

I wanted to let everyone know that a lot has changed since my last few posts and furthermore that I tend to write in here only when I feel like crap and it's late and no one else wants to listen to me. And as such, most of the stuff that's in here is pretty self-centered and really sad and that sort of thing. The thing is, I need a place to put those feelings of mine that I have so that they will have less of an impact on my real life. I can barely read through any of my recent entries here without cringing or wondering what the hell was going through my head when I was writing it.

So! I just wanted to point out that I'm actually pretty happy with the way things are going right now. The 1-2-3 whammy of dead father/suicide/date rape has pretty much left me alone now. The only negative things left over from those things is that I'm still kinda bitter towards my dad, I get more uncomfortable than usual when I see or hear things about suicide, and when I see old men I occasionally get a little freaked out for a moment. Other than that, I'm feeling a lot better. And I think I need a little bit of that.

Y'know, I was going to write just a small post but it looks like I'm going to write a bit more than that. ^_^

I've just moved into my new dorm room. It's in Alikut Hall, which is the upperclassmen-specific dorm here on campus. It's more like an apartment complex than a dorm room. This place is supposed to be for people over 21 (I'm 19) and Juniors and Seniors (I'm still a Freshmen (Freshman?)). I managed to get in here since my RA Andi was moving over here and RAs get to pick their own roommates. I just asked him in the hall one day if I could be his roommate, and he took about 1/3 of a second to say "Yes, you may." I was /elated/. Still am, really.

The only issues I have to contend with now is that I don't have a meal plan over the summer (or for the rest of the 2004/05 school year, actually) so I have to get my own food. Rather difficult without any money... and today I'm going to head over to the place that deals with giving people food stamps and apply. With any luck, it'll all be done by July so I'll be able to get some food then. Until it's all done though, uhm.... I don't know what I'm going to do. Starve, I guess. -_-

And once my summer classes are done at the end of July, I'm going to totally kick back and par-tay. Or just be a lazy slob and do nothing. =P

No, what I really want to do now that I have so much more free time is to finally get a movie script created. As a matter of fact, I discussed my urge to be a film director to Andi the other day, and he offered to be my DP (Director of Photography). He's heavy, HEAVY into photography. It is his life, basically. ^_^; And he's really good at it too, I've seen some photos that he's taken and he knows so much about it that if there's any kind of special shot I want for my film, he'll almost certainly know how to get it. Soooooo.... yeah. It's looking good. If I can put together a nifty script by the end of summer, I'd be thrilled. I just need to actually start writing something... If only I had a basic idea to flesh out. Argh! That's the hardest part!

Anyways, I really should head to that office place and get my paperwork started on getting my food stamps. Talk to you crazy people later, and I hope all the people on my friends list are doing okay... I'll see if I can read some of your journals tonight when I'll be less busy!

I was date raped last Monday, and I told my friend Dogmatix Man all about it, so I figured I might as well post it here too.

And if you don't want to hear about date rape, don't read. I tried to be as non-disgusting as I could when writing it, but this is the cleanest I can get it without changing its meaning.

---

What happened was...

I get this e-mail out of nowhere from someone wanting some gay community around La Grande. I later found out that he found my e-mail address off of the EOU club page for our gay club that uh, no longer exists at this point. But anyway.

I eventually find out that what he really wants is a sex partner and he wanted me to be it. I never actually committed to being that, but I did agree to meet him in a public place and talk about it. That place ended up being the police station, because I figured that if this guy was really just some homophobe trying to beat the shit out of me, I wouldn't have to go far to get help.

Anyway, it turns out it wasn't a hoax and this guy is just basically a horny old guy who wants to have sex with anything as long as it feels good. Fine, whatever. So he starts to drive around and I said it was okay to do that but I'm getting the feeling that this isn't quite exactly right.... I mean, I said that we could maybe do something or whatever but it wasn't feeling good at all once we started moving. He puts his hand on my leg at one point and it just feels really... wrong. Like, I'm 25% like, "Yay, male-male contact" and the other part of me is like, "Yuck! Get him off me, get him OFF me!!"

Eventually, we end up about 20 miles away from home near this old barn, right? Well, I'm walking around thinking that this might still be okay, and I should probably just do it anyway so that I will be sure to be able to get home safe and sound. I mean, he's an old guy and I've been trained in martial arts, so I could probably beat him up if need be, but then again.... I don't know if this guy is violent and I don't want to underestimate him either. So the only thing I can really do is what he wants me to do so that I can ensure my safe return home.

See, that's what makes it date rape. It doesn't mean that you've got to be drugged or something, it just means that you're forced into doing something in some way or another that you don't want to do, but it's tricky to... prosecute since it's not violent and it's almost impossible to prove that I didn't actually want it to happen or that any coercion even happened. But I didn't want it to happen, and that's enough. He didn't know though since I didn't speak up. But I'll get into that later..

The other thing is.... when he was uh, doing the oral sex thing on me it took forever for me to actually get anywhere since I couldn't get over how gross it was. The only way I could get it over with was to take it into my own hands while furiously imagining something entirely different than what was actually happening. Like, my cute furry people.

But anyway, once I uh, managed to finish, he lays down and his pants are off and my mouth goes dry. Like, instantly. I had to work myself upfor a while before I could even go there. And once I actually did, it took him about 8 seconds to finish, and when I spit it out (in the direction of the light, incidentally, so I could see it way too clearly) it was yellow-green! EAUGH!

The entire experience was revolting and the whole way home I could smell him on me, feel him on me, and he kept prattling on about sex and his past and jobs and whatever and it was like.... it was so nasty. I felt horrified at first, and then later, I was very, very sad about it..... I had a breakdown in the middle of class. I was just horrified that my standards had sunk so low.... that I wasn't able to say no.... that I couldn't take the chance of him being violent and not fighting him off or something. I don't know. I still have some of those feelings.

One thing that disheartened me was that Quiet Fox didn't understand me. He didn't see how... how it was that this could happen. He didn't see why I didn't just stop it. I guess he doesn't understand date rape or something. But it made me really sad... He was the first person online that I told and he just... didn't get it. Maybe I just explained it wrong, I don't know.

I told mum about it and she was very, very supportive... of course. That was good.

---

And that's basically the deal. I'm getting really depressed here just thinking about it. I wish I could erase it. I wish I had listened to myself about how the chances of it actually being any good were like, nil.

And I forgot to mention on thing to DM.... the guy is married and I knew it beforehand.

And there's this whole other level to it... I've been without anything for so long. I figured that even gross old man sex would be better than no sex. I felt like.... like he might be able to teach me something. I felt like, yay, I could have sex before my brother. I felt like.... like this may be my last chance.

A million things were running through my head. I don't even know how to begin explaining this part. I guess it's hard for people to empathize since... there's so many angles to work in here. There's the lonliness thing, there's the gay thing, there's the area that I live that makes it hard for me to be around people who I know won't hate me because of one little thing. My sexuality has almost exclusively been a source of fear for me. And pain, when I realize tat I don't even know what I'm looking for when I want a mate. I don't know what they look like. At least most women look like women.... but most gay men just look like men. And men are scary if they're the right kinds of ones to hurt me.

All of this builds up.... and I'm kind of fatalistic. I feel like my time on this earth is bitterly short. I don't feel like I have a future.... like I'm going to have enough time to do everything. I always feel like my end is coming relatively soon. And that's where I got the thought that this may be my last chance.

I have no control over when I die, I know. But I also don't know how to get rid of those feelings.

I don't know what to do about anything. And I just wish that this had never happened. But it has. And..... I don't know what to do about it.

I've got to sleep, it's 2:00 AM or something and I'm exhausted.. Talk to you all later...

I was encouraged by my mum to write a journal entry about some stuff, and I'm finding it impossible to sleep tonight so I figure now is a good time for it.

I finally told mum about the suicide attempt. She didn't freak out or anything. She was very calm about it, as I'm sure you're supposed to be. That made it a lot easier, actually. But the suicide attempt wasn't really very...real. It was a cry for help, or at least a cry for attention. I've felt for a while that the people who are supposed to help me haven't actually been doing anything... and it felt as though if I could honestly say that I tried to kill myself once, then maybe they'd pay attention.

My thearpist was.... well, I don't know what he was. He did his professional duty, I suppose, but nothing really changed. But nevermind him, and nevermind all of that.

I've realized that part of what has gotten me so upset lately is that I know about all these problems that I have, and I know that I can probably fix a good deal of them myself, and I even know how to do so. It's just that I haven't -- and I get mad at myself for that which makes everything a vicious cycle. I get mad that I haven't done anything, and then I continue to do nothing, and then I feel like I can never do nothing, and then I get mad at myself for feeling that way, and on and on it goes.

It's ridiculous. It shouldn't be like this. I don't want it to be like this. It certainly isn't helping me out any.

It's hard to be good to yourself when you haven't been for so long. I'm so relentlessly harsh on me that it makes it difficult for me to interact with others without letting that come through. Only people who are quite secure in themselves can even stand to be around me for very long. Truth be told, that's the kind of people that you want to have as friends, but it shouldn't be my.... I don't know, "goal" or something to alienate everyone else.

I want to say that I've resolved to do better, and I want to say that I've got a better idea about how to be better than I ever have before. The latter may be true, and even the former... but so many times I've done this and it has failed. No, /I/ have failed. I didn't keep up with it. I didn't do it long enough to make it a habit.

I know that even the people whom I admire most can slip up and turn into self-centered people, but the point is that they don't remain that way for long periods of time. They pull themselves together as quickly as is possible for them and move on.

I used to be so jealous of that. I don't know what the deal with that is... why I'm jealous. It's not beyond my power to be just like the people I admire most.

Take my friend Krack. He's very easygoing, he's quite non-judgemental, he doesn't need to be in control of a situation in order to enjoy it or to feel relaxed... and when he has problems, he doesn't whine about them. He doesn't diminish their seriousness, but he doesn't let them drag into things that are beyond what most people are willing to hear about. Most people get along with him extremely well, and he's able to get along with just about anyone too. As much as I love him, I've resented him because he embodies exactly what I wish I was, knew I could be, and also realized what I'm not.

But the silly part is /why/ I'm not. I'm not because I choose not to. It's so ridiculous.... to tell yourself that somehow the way you act is not of your choosing. Sometimes, yes, you may be beside yourself and some of the things you do may not be very wise. But 99% of the time, you are in complete control of yourself. It's the only thing you ever really have control of in your whole life.

The thing is... it's so easy to be miserable. It's easier to try to set things up so that you won't have to blame yourself for things turning out the way that they have. I've been content to be miserable for so long. Well, perhaps "content" isn't the right kind of word. I've been miserable. I've been totally devoid of joy for so long... it hurt. Everything hurt. The only thing I could enjoy was hearing other people bitch about things that I agreed with. Stories of other people's joy ate me up inside. It killed me that other people had happier pasts than I did.

But I think what killed me most was the central issue surrounding all of this... I knew how to make things better, and I just didn't do it. I think that's what I'm having the hardest time living with. I can't live with myself if I'm not doing what I know I should be doing.

I know that I've spoken far too often without thinking, I know that I've been needlessly critical to people at times, I know that I have an edge to the way I do just about everything around certain people or groups of people that really sets them off, I know that I exaggerate far too often and that other people do not interpret my exaggeration in the same way, and I've known all this time that I could change it.

I also know that I talk too much. ;)

But anyway.... I can't predict the future. But I'm going to try yet again to cut this crap out. It's not worth it to me. It's not worth it to people that love me. And it's not worth it to people who might otherwise be my friend but who get an incorrect first impression of me that may never be corrected.

I've just got to keep telling the truth to myself and to other people. And I've got to get some Prozac. And a new therapist. All that is lined up for next term. I hope that I can finally start to work on getting things to be in a better place for me. I don't deserve what I've done to myself. And if I mess up, I can't let that tear me back down to where I started at. I've got to let go of the things in the past that hurt me, because those things in the past have long since stopped happening and the only thing that's truly hurting me now is me.

And now, I've got to get some sleep. I hope all of my friends are sleeping well today... and I hope that Dogmatix Man is alright. I haven't spoken to you in almost a month, and I haven't seen you online in almost as long. It's starting to worry me just a bit.

Goodnight, everyone.

Last Saturday, I kinda-sorta tried to kill myself. Obviously, it didn't work. Dratty.